Private Stories of Jack O'Neill
by DarkAngelSnapeLover
Summary: From crazy ideas to your computer screen, these are the stories General Hammond never allowed into a report format, yet here they are at your disposal. Be careful, you may not like what you see. M for mature content, readers beware, and feel free to flame
1. Chapter 1

THE PRIVATE FILES OF JACK O'NEILL

Things he never, ever wanted to tell you guys, but well…it slipped out.

STORY NUMBER ONE: LOKI, LOKI, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME NOW?

Before the infamous "Fragile Balance," where Jack O'Neill was cloned by the notorious Loki, there was another, highly guarded incident where, well, some shit happened.

"We were on a planet in the middle of nowhere, like far out from many of the world we've visited. Daniel and I teamed up and walked into this…cave area. Inside, we were beamed aboard this ship. Apparently Carter and Teal'c had the same thing happen because there they were, sprawled out on a metal table with wires coming out of them and everything. Well, I was knocked out from then on," Colonel Jack O'Neill told our reporters. When asked what happened when he came to, he grew silent. We asked for the case file for the mission, but it had been destroyed, so then we brought out our best private investigator, and after convincing her to dance for him, he told me about what happened on the planet.

"When we woke up, everything was messed up. Apparently, Loki thought it was an interesting business, what he did to us. He…switched our genitals with the opposite sex. He gave me a vagina! It was…the most miserable experience ever, particularly when I realized that Daniel was going through "his time of the month". God! He is such a bitch when he's pouring out of the mouth.

"Well, we contacted Thor after telling Hammond we were okay (which took him four hours, he told us later, because Daniel was sobbing after breaking a nail). Thor got Loki into this council meeting thingy and we were taken back to his lab, but the damage was done. Daniel was traumatized, but all four of us made a pact with each other: we tell no one, ever. Looks like you made me break the pact, you bastards, but hey, I was okay with it. It was interesting how it resembled some dreams I had when I was younger, before I knew what sex really was and I would…change roles in my dreams."

This report is not supported by Jack O'Neill, but we did drug him by accident [not really] and he told us everything. More secret files exist, but we're working on it. We'll get you the secret files soon enough, just wait.


	2. Chapter 2

STORY NUMBER TWO: MEDICAL MIRACLES…I MEAN ACCIDENTS

Doctor Janet Frasier was really they only woman on the show you could fully respect. She was a single mother of an alien girl. She was kind of like a secret government agent without all the paper work, but she was also an amazing doctor, caring for alien disorders without the proper knowledge yet still doing a damn good job.

"The only mistake I think she ever made was this one," stated Jack O'Neill. Another incident caused him to tell us everything.

The "mistake" had to do with a blood test done with an alien specimen to see if they were allergic to it. After speaking with Jacob Carter, a member of the Tok'ra, they discovered that the organism was really an alien form of the STD syphilis, but much worse.

"We were informed of this two weeks after the test, so then we had to do another test to see if we contracted the STD. Luckily for me, I did not. I can't tell you the other results, of any of us," Jack said confidently.

Well, we received the results through common sense. An undercover reporter went to each of their living spaces. Daniel confidently denied having any sort of STD, despite his track record of 'attaining a girl on every planet'. Teal'c nodded to us then slammed the door in our face, as did Samantha Carter. This is the story we created to accommodate their similar reaction.

Sam and Teal'c liked to get it on. Sam liked sex, Teal'c liked sex, and it wasn't like they had a partner right there with them, until they found each other. In their supply closet rendezvous, one of them contracted the disease and transferred it to the other. Both had a positive result by the time testing was done (this was in fact true after we covered our tracks and found the necessary sealed file), but the most shocking part of the story was Dr. Frasier's reaction.

"I couldn't believe it when I put my team in that kind of danger. General Hammond knew it was bothering me, so he had the tests done with a different lab and everything. I never learned the results, and that is how I prefer it. I still can't believe it," she shook her head. "But now Jacob has a database with us to let us know about organisms, and I have their number on speed dial when I need them. No, not literally. They're just a dial away, through the Stargate."

So, the only mistake of Dr. Frasier's career gave either Teal'c of Samantha syphilis, but for all we know they contracted it earlier, meaning that Carter is a disease-spreading whore.

"That she is!" bellows Jack O'Neill at a bar interview. "She tried to hit on me once, when we went cave-man. She wanted me, not Daniel. Can you believe that? Look at him. No wonder he has a girl on every planet. He doesn't even have to ask! You know, I think Carter likes me without barbarian in her. Isn't that her over there looking at me? No? Well fuck you," O'Neill slurred.

Colonel Jack O'Neill was at no time harmed during these completely fake interviews. Every word I write is complete bullshit, but please continue reading since the stories only get better from here…I think. I haven't actually written them yet. Ha! I'm along for the ride just like you are! HA! Uh-hmm…well, none of this shit is true. End of this story, now on to the next one.


	3. Chapter 3

STORY NUMBER THREE: WE WENT SOMEWHERE, YEAH, THAT'S IT

Jack O'Neill has had his fair share of misdials, misunderstandings, mis-everything, but he's only once never spoken of a planet. He spoke of the planet he was imprisoned (well, all of the planets), and he spoke about hell-holes where he had terrible things happen, but he never spoke of this planet.

"It never even had a name, but Jacob Carter's Tok'ra ass had to lead us there. It was terrible! Do you remember those damn furry talking birds? Furbies! That's it. That planet was COVERED with them. I mean, furbies were fucking everywhere! They were humping your leg, fondling your hair, doing this, doing that, and just ruining everything. We were supposed to be there for one hour, but those bastards took the gate and Carter wouldn't let us shoot them, until one of those mother fuckers went after her coochie. That was a sight right there, her shooting her AK into her pants and watching fur go everywhere. 'KILL THEM!' she shrieked soon after. I think Teal'c even smirked when she told us to do that."

When O'Neill returned back to Earth, he told Hammond about everything, but he denied it.

"Nothing like a furbie would attack my men and sexually violate them. My granddaughter has a furbie, and she loves it," he chuckled. "I swear, it's impossible to get it away from her at night! And it talks to her, and she talks back. Oh! It can keep her entertained for hours."

Colonel O'Neill has a different piece of his mind to give the furbies, or us rather. He jumped into his F-150 and flicked us off as he sped away. If only he could do it on Furbie World, or whatever you want to name it. Either way, none of them will ever go back.


	4. Chapter 4

STORY NUMBER FOUR: SODOMY AND STARLIGHT

Relationships in this show hit a new high when the controller for the Stargate began writing soap operas with the teams around him. When he heard about close calls, or a team being stranded on a planet all alone, or other situations, he would write, and it often involved sexual relations.

"I found his secret stash when he first started writing reports for me. I had just become a General, and I required him to write of his daily duties, like dialing the gate, maintaining the gate, trying to keep Carter out of the gate room, trying not to get Carter to leave the supply closet, and numerous others," O'Neill explained. "I found a folder full of typed pages, none of them reports, but all extremely interesting, until I got further into the…I guess you could call it a novel, but I'm not sure."

The part that caught O'Neill's attention was a story about his latest pick to add to SG-1. The story stated the he and Dr. Daniel Jackson commenced in homosexual sex acts while on a planet where they were stranded. O'Neill couldn't believe the words on the page and was forced to confront his favorite gate room technician.

"I called him into my office, which wasn't hard, and I sat him down for a hearty conversation about what I had found. He broke down in front of me, sobbing over the very creative works. He was far from proud of them, yet I liked the stories. I asked him for more, and he composed himself to get them. He returned with a cart that had a locked storage area. Inside were four large paper boxes filled with stories of his many years here. It was…shocking to say the least."

Jack O'Neill was not terribly terrified by the works, but the magnitude of papers prevented him from publishing the works, despite his wants.

"I would have loved to publish it, no doubt, but the work involved was too much. I'm ready to retire, and going through all three thousand of those pages changing names and everything else would make me tired, and I hate being tired. Could you excuse me? I want a nap. Get the fuck out of my house," he demanded.

"But you invited us inside," we offered. It did not work and we were removed from the property by his 9mm.

Though this interview made us believe the stories would never be good for anything, we discovered in a follow-up interview that Jack O'Neill had left the works with a friend of a friend of a publisher and that the works had been fully edited. Who did the editing we'll never know, but the works may hit shelves soon.

They never will, but keep writing stories that could easily fit into the book of horror, the soap opera written by a gate room worker, a man played by Gary Jones whose name I cannot remember to write this fanfic. The soap opera had a chapter called 'Sodomy and Starlight,' and that was the chapter with the new guy and Daniel. I can't remember the new guy's name either because I didn't give a fuck after Richard left the show. Without him it sucked, even though Michael Shanks is my Hockey Hunk and is über gorgeous and he is an amazing actor. Now, to get on with the show. Hate on me if you want, but this is my fanfic and my opinion. Feel free to Flame me with yours. I don't care. Now, next story coming up!


	5. Chapter 5

STORY NUMBER FIVE: BUG-O-LICIOUS

This story made us reach into the depths of Jack O'Neill, but he was willing to show us some wild pictures from the parties held by the notorious SG1. The party in question at the moment did not have drunkards or other issues, it had another thing: dressing up like giant bugs and getting your freak on.

"Oh! That was by-far my favorite party we every had, but it got a little crazy. I was a dragonfly, Daniel was a lady bug because he's a ladies' man, Teal'c was a caterpillar because he's got a giant one in his pants, and Carter decided to be a cockroach for some reason. It got crazy, particularly about three in the morning when we went to the nearest Wal-mart and bought some Red Bulls. The cashier thought we were trying to rob the store in our costumes, so it took about two hours to convince them that we were here for party supplies and didn't want the party to end. I still couldn't believe we even did the party in the morning. Hammond wasn't happy we did it, but damn, that was so fun."

In a later interview, he returned to his memory of the party. The team voted on names for everyone. Jack's was Bug-o-licious because he is well, bug-o-licious in his dragonfly suit. No other wild parties compared to this one, but Jack never told us about the others. Currently, we're still trying to get as many stories like this one out of him, at least while he's willing to talk when we give him something like a case of beers or some other things. The best fact we can learn from these interviews is that Jack O'Neill may have become an awesome general, but he is still a crazy child at heart, and for that one reason, we'll keep going with the interviews until we dig up better dirt on him and his team.


	6. Chapter 6

STORY SIX: JACK'S SECRET ROMANCE

Jack needed no coaxing to remove this story from his memory. The case file mentions a major injury occurring within the first few minutes of the mission, and then Jack disappeared from the sight of his team. Daniel dialed home, but the team returned later on with back up, only to discover Jack, injury free, sleeping beside a lake with a smile on his face. The group is tested psychologically, since Jack's story was much different. Stargate Command decided to seal the mission, but Jack remembers it clearly.

"I was hurt very bad within a few minutes of exiting the gate. Some rocks slipped from beneath me and I fell into a ravine. While Teal'c and Sam tried to carry me out, Daniel dialed the gate. I was then beamed up by someone, but I couldn't tell who," Jack explained. He was sober for this interview.

Jack remembers nothing of the healing he endured, but he remembers the moments after he woke up from a deep sleep brought on by the pain.

"Time was much different on the ship. I felt like I had been there for months, and after the woman figured out my language, she nodded. I had been there for two years recovering, and she kept me there for two more. I contracted an illness about a month in, and she was there. That was all I could remember about her really. She loved me, but she let me get back to my team, saying that her people would need our protection. She promised to meet me whenever I passed away, but I told her not to bet on it being any time soon," Jack smiled.

We'll never know who this person was. A gou'ld ship blew it up, causing what Stargate Command thought was a supernova. Jack showed no emotion at the moment, but during this interview, he broke down.

"I felt so bad. That ship was the same one we couldn't fight completely. Those were the first days of Anubis, and they sucked. They killed someone who loved me, and I never even knew her name," Jack cried. "She'll keep her promise, I just know it," he sobbed, kicking us out as soon as he could.

This interview revealed that Jack O'Neill, as tough and sexy as he is, has a sensitive side, and he does care. He's been hiding these feelings for years, but can we make him surface them to see inside his complex mind? We'll see, but for now, we're leaving him be. We'll let the man recover a month or so, and then BAM, we'll there to ask more questions and get more answers more than anyone before us.


End file.
